I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
