I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
