i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
