saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
