he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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