I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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