I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
