He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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