Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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