Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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