you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
