either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
