I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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