I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
