The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
