omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
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