Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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