I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
