there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
