I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Randomize
