My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
