To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
