Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
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I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
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Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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