apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
