I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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