she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
