Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
