My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
