Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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