Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
