Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
