if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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