ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
