I met the friendliest cop last night
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
