It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
