An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
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I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
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I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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