I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The feeling are messing with the penis
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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