I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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