don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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