he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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