I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
