Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
