So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
