this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
