In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
