I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
