by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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