i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
