Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I just found puke in my bra..
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
