Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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