Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
