i just sent this text using only my big toe
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
