Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
