The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
