He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
