If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
