Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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