apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
