Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
