i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
