just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
where does the pee come out of this thing
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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