it wasn't lemon gatorade
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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