Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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