we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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