fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
can u get pink eye on your cock?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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