i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
